Cast: Billy Zane
Director: Aris Iliopulos
Producers: Chris Hanley, Billy Zane
Screenplay: Edward D. Wood Jr.
Cinematography: Michael F. Barrow
Music: Larry Groupe
U.S. Distributor: CQN Releasing
Occasionally, readers ask me why I don't give out more zero star reviews. The reason is quite simple: I believe that the zero star category should be a restricted (almost hallowed) section reserved for a very special kind of film. In order to qualify for admission, a movie must not merely be bad, but jaw droppingly bad. It can't just be painful to sit through; it has to be unwatchable. Finally, there must be nothing redeemable about it (with the possible exception of the images being in focus - although most zero star films would be improved by a little blurriness). In short, every zero star film is an immediate candidate for the worst picture I have ever seen. I Woke Up Early the Day I Died doesn't meet every one of those qualifications, but it comes close. It will be hard to beat for the bottom position on my 1999 list.
It's probably not possible to make a good film based on an Ed Wood script. Despite being enthusiastic, Wood had no discernible talent when it came to making movies. Words like "cheesy" and "trashy" don't do justice to the infamous director's output. But, at least when Wood directed, the end product was leavened with unintentional camp. His pictures are uniformly awful, but, when viewed in the right frame of mind, they can be masochistically savored as delightful examples of idiotic screenwriting, incompetent direction, and inept acting. Wood's best-known "classic", Plan Nine From Outer Space, has a devoted following of surprisingly normal people. They don't look any different from you or me. In fact, you might even know one. Or be one. Plan Nine From Outer Space showings (whether in theaters or private homes) resemble screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. The movie is just the backdrop for the antics of the audience. Ed Wood may be the worst director ever to work professionally, but, for a small segment of the movie-going public, he's a cultural icon.
Aris Iliopulos must be a brave man with cajones the size of melons. He may also never direct again. For his feature debut, he has decided to film a movie that Ed Wood tried for more than a decade to get onto celluloid. If nothing else, Iliopulos' treatment of the script illustrates why Wood couldn't secure financing. If you're interested in having a kind of cinematic experience unlike anything you have previously endured, I Woke Up Early the Day I Died offers it. To be clear, I am not recommending that anyone see this movie; I am merely stating a fact. Consequently, I refuse to take responsibility for physical or mental anguish endured as a result of sitting through the film, nor will I be held liable for any unlawful activities subsequently committed (such as burning down the theater or attacking the projectionist).
I Woke Up Early the Day I Died doesn't have a plot to speak of. It's basically a filmed nightmare or hallucination about the misadventures of the Thief (Billy Zane), a psychopath who escapes from an asylum, robs a loan office, loses the money, then wanders around killing people while trying to find it. The Thief is acutely sensitive to sound, so, whenever there's a strident noise, he collapses into the fetal position (the sound of bag pipes does him in every time). Iliopulos uses three "innovations" (that's a nice way of saying "pretentious ideas") to present the film. First, there is no dialogue. The soundtrack is a mix of garbled noises and irritating, off-key music, but none of the characters ever speak. Secondly, Iliopulos occasionally superimposes text from the script on the screen in front of the action. Finally, to facilitate transitions, grainy stock footage is intercut with the newly filmed scenes featuring Zane.
Billy Zane, who shares a producer's credit with Chris Hanley, has never in a history of hammy performances gone so far over-the-top. One could argue that he captures the proper tone for this sort of movie, but what wouldn't be the proper tone? (Good acting, I suppose.) Aside from Zane, no one has more than a moment's worth of screen time, but the list of actors making cameos is startling: Sandra Bernhard, Christina Ricci, Tippi Hedren, Bud Cort, Eartha Kitt, Will Patton, Ann Magnuson, Ron Perlman, John Ritter, Andrew McCarthy. Iliopulos must have in his possession a great deal of incriminating evidence against nearly everyone in the business to gain the participation of so many "name" performers.
To be fair, Iliopulos tries to make the film the way Wood would have, but the entire experience feels calculated. That's the problem. The appeal (limited though it may be) of Wood's canon is that he thought he was making good movies. Iliopulos is consciously trying to make a bad one. And, instead of the result being a guiltily enjoyable romp into camp, I Woke Up Early the Day I Died is just an inexcusable waste of time. I can see what Iliopulos was aiming for, but, like a poor marksman, he missed the target. This movie is supposed to be a comedy that pays homage to Wood's questionable style, but, as in an ill-advised Saturday Night Live skit that refuses to end, tediousness crushes the life out any satirical pluses. As a concept, filming I Woke Up Early the Day I Died sounds like a reasonable idea. ("Let's make the movie applying a slightly exaggerated version of Wood's style, use no dialogue, throw in some in-jokes, and get cameos by a bunch of famous people.") The execution proves that some ideas, no matter how tantalizing, should never be acted upon.
Is it possible for a rational human being to enjoy I Woke Up Early the Day I Died? Far be it from me to be the arbiter of taste. However, for those who are so bored or temporarily impaired that they are considering seeing this motion picture, I can recommend three more enjoyable alternatives: counting the number of hairs on the back of your forearm, practicing breaking a cinder block in half with your bare hand, or submitting to a colonoscopy. Those who go to the theater anyway will end up wishing they had never bothered to get up in the first place.
© 1999 James Berardinelli